somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
