Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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