I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
