My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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