yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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