So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
