found the other keg... it's in the tree
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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