I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
