Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
