last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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