I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
