My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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