You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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