i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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