Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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