I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
