I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
