They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Randomize
