he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
