I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
