The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Randomize
