She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
