Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
