maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
