Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
