How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
