Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
