I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
