Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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