My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
