I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
