I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
