I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
