Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Randomize
