I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
