Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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