I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
sarcasm needs its own font
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
