U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
