you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
