yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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