It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
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