farters have to be the big spoon...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
