i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
