Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
