we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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