So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
