3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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