Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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