Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
