So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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