I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
